What's a Woman?
by TarTarIcing
Summary: Pathfinder finds himself in a predicament and asks everyone around him for help.


"How do you ask a woman out?"

Pathfinder quizzically tilted his head from side to side, standing upright. The robot stood in the middle of the Apex Legends atrium. It was a peaceful day today, so no one was fighting in King's Canyon. The sun shone through the ceiling windows, highlighting Pathfinder's monitor and Bloodhound's glasses. Bloodhound stood up from the couch, head tilted just as quizzically.

"Woman?" Bloodhound's voice increased in octave in confusion, "What on earth do you mean woman?"

"I like a woman, and I hear if you like a woman, you ask her out." Pathfinder continued, touching the tips of his fingers together, "How would I do that, Bloodhound?"

Bloodhound put their hand on their chin. To them, Pathfinder liking someone that way was a bit peculiar, but who were they to judge. Someone needed help. Romantic matters weren't something they knew, but it seemed easy given what they saw. "I think… I think you must be natural about it. Be alone with them and segue it in. Don't be dramatic."

"Noted!" Pathfinder's monitor lit up and the other's advice flashed across it, only to come back to the happy face. "Thank you, Bloodhound!" He ran off, giving a large handwave.

Bloodhound's crow flew back on their arm, giving a bright caw.

* * *

Pathfinder then found himself in the workshop, surrounded by technology and elbow grease. It was dark save the light from the open door. Parts, nuts, and bolts were scattered around the floor. Some old computers sat on the rickety shelves. The center table had blueprints and holo parts on it.

Elliot.

The robot started to look around. He valued Elliot's opinion ever since he met him at a bar. It was quite hard to see him, but he saw a patch of yellow. He looked down to see him squatted over a box of parts in the corner of the room.

"Oh hey, Pathfinder!" Mirage shot upward, cradling some holo parts. "Surprised to see you here!"

"I feel like I'm in morgue, but I have to ask you something." The robot scratched his head.

Mirage dashed to the table to put his parts down and then wiped his hands, looking at the robot. "Hey, shoot, bud!"

"…How do you ask a woman out?"

"Whoa, oh ho, ho hoho ohohoho!" Mirage gave an intrigued laugh, or at least an attempt to stifle it. "A woman you say? Never took you as the type as a romantic." He slammed his folded arm on the table and blew up a stray hair.

"She's not a human, Elliot. Dating human women is against my programming." He shook his head and his hands in front of his face. His monitor showed a flustered face.

"So, you found a pretty MRVN to knock cables with? Job well done!"

"I don't want to knock cables right now. And she's not MRVN, but we have similar programming."

"Hmmm, so you like a girl and she ain't a MRVN, color me surprised. Well, you gotta shock her circuits like this," Mirage then stood forward, leaned in, giving an emphasized head nod. His hair strand swung out. He gave a wink and crossed his arms. "You free tonight, honey?"

"Very persuasive," Pathfinder stopped the recording and played back Mirage on his monitor.

"To be real here buddy, I only do that a few times a year. Girls ask me, not the other way around." He put a hand on the robot's shoulder.

"I appreciate your help, Elliot." He patted the human's shoulder. "Let me not interrupt you." He swiftly left the workshop.

"Hehe, he's learning."

* * *

Pathfinder found himself in the shooting area. But no one was standing in the stalls. Instead he heard rapid fire laughter and multiple bounces across the targets. A thin young man was devilishly bouncing across the grounds, shooting the targets from above.

"Excuse me!" The robot waved to the man above, "Excuse me! I'll let you high five my hand!"

The young man spotted him and dove in his direction. The robot wondered if he was going to land on him.

Instead he felt a strong slap onto his hand, and then a flip backwards. He landed on his feet. He sprung up, revealing his sinewy figure and his green masked face. "What's up, ese?"

"How do I ask a woman out?"

"Weird flex, but okay." Octane shrugged his shoulders, "This is how you do it, watch… _Ay mami, bring your sexy ass over here!_" He ended it with a wolf whistle, "How's that?"

Pathfinder's monitor gave a confused look, "I asked to woo her not to scare her."

"_Ese_, some ladies don't do normal. You gotta grab her."

"…Thank," Octane bounced away on his jump pad, "…You." Pathfinder jogged away confused, with his monitor still on the same look.

* * *

He found himself at a laboratory. The building had a lab? The robot dismissed it as he felt the air conditioning hit his circuits. The organizers were a generous lot anyway. He proceeded to see Caustic working on some chemicals. Caustic didn't seem the type, but Pathfinder wanted all the advice he could get.

The robot tapped on the man's shoulder, asking, "Caustic, how do you ask a woman out?"

Caustic put away his flasks, cocked an eyebrow, and turned towards Pathfinder, "I'm confused on why you'd ask me such."

"Wraith said at one point you had a-"

"Silence!" Caustic barked, "I'll answer your question and then you'll leave, promise?"

"I promise, promise to zipline."

"Okay," The scientist drew in a large breath and held it in for a couple of seconds. His chest puffed out from underneath the lab coat. He released his breath, "You get close to her, really close, and say, '_Care for some coffee after this_?'"

"Surprising, I believe Wraith now." Pathfinder's monitor gave a slight smile.

"Now get out of my lab."

* * *

Pathfinder now walked into the kitchen. The smells of chicken masala filled the place as he saw Gibraltar hard at work. He held a saucepan in his hand as he seasoned it with the other. The chicken melded well with the pale sauce, with the mushrooms popping up in places. An unarmored Gibraltar was an interesting sight, but it confirmed Pathfinder's view of him being a human.

He watched a while, seeing him cook the chicken. After some more seasoning, he turned to the island and plated the chicken masala on a large dish. The entrée was very appealing and fresh, with the steam still rising from it.

"That looks delicious," Pathfinder complimented, "Were I human, I'd consume it immediately!"

"Thank you!" He pounded his chest in pride. It alarmed Pathfinder at first, but he was now used to it.

"Mind if I help you wash dishes?"

"Sure, brother!" They set to gathering the plates and utensils. Gibraltar filled the sink with hot water and dishwashing soap and started to put the plates and utensils in. Pathfinder then started to rinse with cold water. It was a slow and steady process, but everything was clean and drying. The saucepan was the last to be cleaned.

"That was a lot of work. I should be tired," Pathfinder looked at the pile of dishes on the rack.

"But we did it. Thanks, brother," Gibraltar gave a fist bump to the robot, "With that out of the way, you look like you wanna ask something. I'll lend my ear."

"Uh…" Pathfinder paused, "I was asking, how would you ask out a wo-" He then realized he was asking Gibraltar, "How would you ask out a man?"

Gibraltar gave a hearty laugh, "I'm sure it would be same as asking out a woman! Just be yourself and take it easy." He slapped the robot's back, "You're a funny fella."

"Thank you, Gibraltar!" Pathfinder laughed. They both laughed.

Bangalore then came into the kitchen, smelling the entrée in front of her, "Oh damn that looks good! You two made this?"

"Not me, I don't have tastebuds!" Pathfinder answered.

"I did!" Gibraltar had both thumbs pointing to himself.

"Oh, Anita…" Pathfinder started again, "How would you like to be asked out?"

"Nicely and noninvasively," Bangalore answered curtly, "Good luck. Lifeline's pretty leery of you."

* * *

"What's your problem with Pathfinder anyway, Ajay?" Wattson sat cross-legged in Lifeline's room. They were both talking on the bed.

"He's not a bad robot. He is a good robot." Lifeline reiterated, "I don't hate him. I actually like him."

"Then what's the issue with having him date your drone?"

"Again, he's a great robot, really effective. But my drone is my baby. She's a personal project of mine with a family member. But you seen how he's scrambled those antennas? If he had his cables in 'er, god knows what he's gonna do."

"I don't think he means any harm. I'm sure MRVN's want to feel connected with other robots."

"I should set her up with another drone."

"Oh come on, Pathfinder must be programmed to not harm anyone unless necessary. I'm sure she'll be safe with him."

"I don't know entirely, but it's up to her. But I'm not gonna stand by and see her get hacked."

* * *

It was now nightfall and everyone ate their dinner. Many enjoyed the chicken masala. Pathfinder was finished washing dishes and sipping motor oil. The others were sitting and talking. Lifeline and Wattson continued talking as her drone was floating between them. The MRVN now felt some sort of butterflies in his stomach seeing the drone. He really quite liked her, how she was swift and responsive and always receptive to what he said. The way she would float and spin excited him. Even in battle, she matched his cheer with beeps.

Now, Pathfinder gave a beckoning motion to the drone. The drone immediately faced him and floated towards him.

"I…" Pathfinder tried to push through with the advice and his programming, "I wanted to take you out somewhere. Maybe when you're free and without Lifeline?"

The drone gave a series of excited beeps and spins.

"GIRL! GO TO MY ROOM!" Lifeline roared at the drone, "Pathfinder, we need to talk." The drone gave a series of disappointed beeps and floated away.

"Lifeline, I do not desire to harm your drone. I simply want to spend time with her," Pathfinder defended himself, "As a MRVN unit, I wish to spend time with other robots."

The resounding silence blanketed the kitchen. The rest blankly looked on, apprehensive on what to do or say next. Even Octane, who scarfed down the chicken, looked on and dropped his plate. Caustic gave a deep sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. Gibraltar scratched the table.

This was not the way Pathfinder expected it to go. He understood Ajay's protective nature towards her drone, but it felt excessive. The two robots knew each other. Why were humans so cruel?

Ajay followed her drone to her room and then she locked it. She held her, lecturing her, "D.O.C, girl, listen to me. Pathfinder may be a nice MRVN, but who knows what he'll do to you. I don't want you to be alone with him. Goodness knows what kinda code he'll put into you-"

The drone wiggled out, giving sad and defensive beeps and whirrs in response. Her eye narrowed.

"I get it, he's the only other robot here, but you have to be careful. You have a job. A special one."

The drone nominally agreed, giving acknowledging beeps.

"I know it gets lonely and stressful. I just don't want anything bad to happen to you. You're a product of the part of my family dat isn't dem."

The drone gave a single sorrowful beep.

"I can talk to Pathfinder later in the future. I'm sorry, girl."

Pathfinder appeared at the door. Lifeline gave a glare and then softened at the sad face at his monitor.

"What are you doing 'ere?"

"I've come to speak, Ajay," Pathfinder spoke, "I just want to talk."

"You…" Lifeline gave a pause, "I trust you. You fight well. But how will I sleep at night knowing that she's safe with you."

"I've nothing to gain from her, Ajay."

"Really?" The medic put her chin on her hand. The drone hid under her bed, watching her robot suitor.

"She only heals. She doesn't give data nor is she an antenna. What would I gain scrambling her? It's her job to heal, so why would I interfere?"

"Mhmmm."

"I simply do not have the code or programming to do that. I literally _cannot_ hack her."

"But you hack antennae."

"Those are different."

"They're both technology, Pathfinder."

"It seems like you are not getting the crux of what I'm saying, Ajay. She is a robot. Those antennae aren't robots. They aren't even MRVN's." Pathfinder gave a chopping motion and then crossed his arms over his chest. His voice rose in concern and irritation, along with a side of vibrato. "And that's the thing. Most MRVN's are friendly when they have something to gain. I actually see the value in your drone. Your drone is one of the nicest things in King's Canyon. And she's quite smart and we can speak to each other." He started to speak faster, "And because of that, I _like_ her. I want to spend time with _her_. Can you _please_ just allow her to spend time with _me_? You know me, did you think I'd cause her any harm? I wouldn't."

"Let me talk to her."

Lifeline closed the door on Pathfinder. The drone shimmied further under her owner's bed. Pathfinder slumped forward.

* * *

Morning came.

Pathfinder and Mirage were in the workshop again. The sun was shining through the door. They were both leaning on the center table and talking.

"Why is Ajay so angry?" Pathfinder wondered aloud.

"Hey man, that's her baby," Mirage drawled an answer, "She's just worried that some MRVN lothario would tangle her cables… But you wouldn't do that, huh?"

"I wouldn't!" The robot threw his hands in the air, "If I had a full nervous system, I'd be very depressed."

"I mean both of you like each other."

"I know _that_! It's just I don't want to disrespect Ajay."

"You're a respectful MRVN, aren't ya?"

"It's the best I can do."

"Well, go get 'em, tiger."

It was late afternoon as Pathfinder started to zipline across King's Canyon. Humans told him that getting outside should do him some good. He failed to see the point but to do something active helped his mood a little. He then landed back to the shooting range.

"Hello, Bangalore." He greeted, waving his hand.

"Hi Pathfinder," She replied, "You doing okay?" She was reloading her G7.

"I… think."

"Hey, she'll come around. She doesn't hate you."

"I try to believe so." The robot shrugged his shoulders, showing an awkward emoji on his monitor.

"Speak of the devil." She put the G7 to her hip as she saw Lifeline and her drone prod forward, "Hey, Ajay!"

"Hey Anita!" Lifeline waved back, and then she saw Pathfinder, "Look who came to see you today!" The drone slid towards the MRVN, making excited beeps and bouncing.

"Hi…" Pathfinder became bashful.

"I've talked with her. She wanna hear somethin'. Say it." The drone nudged against him. Pathfinder's monitor now showed a blushing emoji.

"Um… Do you want to go out with me? Have some oil and watch the zoo?" Pathfinder nervously blurted his question, pointing to himself.

The drone spun around and made even more beeps, nudging itself further into Pathfinder.

"Take care of 'er, ya?"

* * *

Pathfinder and the drone were now sitting at the edge of a higher cliff in the ring. The fireworks lit up the night sky. They shared a vial of oil between them. Looking around and back to the animal enclosures, Pathfinder put his arm around the drone.

"I love you."

The drone beeped happily back in response.

* * *

A/N: This was a story I've wanted to write for a while but never had the time to write it. Now that I've some events in my life, I could write it rather better. R&R folks!


End file.
